Sex, and lack thereof

Sex sells so this rant is about sex, or lack thereof on my part

Remember when you a horny little teenager and all you could think about was sex?  You thought about sex night and day, you carried textbooks in front of your trousers as to hide the constant boner you had going, in school it was hard to concentrate on class because some girl next to you was smelling oh so good that day.  I remember those days as well.  I remember thinking that it must be great to be married because you can have sex any time you want it!  How cool would that be?

So you set out each day at school and if you didn’t have a girlfriend you tried like hell to find one.  I was a late bloomer and did not lose my virginity until I was 16, and even then I lost it with my long-time girlfriend named Melinda.  As first romances go it was not bad at all.  Melinda was cute and smart and she was fun to be with except for the fact that her parents hated me.  Why?  Because I lived on the wrong side of Lake Street.  they liked the boy she ended up marrying, the one who lived on the right side of Lake Street and who was fired from his job for stealing.  He was OK.

Where was I?  Oh yes, sex.

So I grew up thinking that I would be getting as much if not more sex than when I was 16.  After I broke up with Melinda I did get to have sex with different women and it was fantastic!  Each one was a mystery, even though they all had the same equipment.  Some are louder, some are quiet, some like kissing and making out and some didn’t.  I know that I was looking for sex a lot more than I was getting it and that was the reason for thinking I would be having sex like a bonobo monkey once I got married.

Well time went on and I found someone who I did want to marry.  She was fun and cute and smart and we always had fun together.  We dated for a few years before we got married and then we also lived together for about six months before we got married.  And yes, we were having sex like crazy.

You get older and they tell you your sex drive will diminish.

That is a lie.  At least for this guy.  This guy still wants sex morning, noon and night but it hasn’t quite worked out the way I had planned.  I masturbate every day (TMI?) and it never gets old.  I wish my wife liked sex as much as I do.  I don’t know if it because of her Catholic upbringing or she may simply not be a person who needs touch and sex like I do.  I love her like crazy but it would be great to get sex more than once a year (if I am lucky).  I know that life and kids get in the way, I understand that, but still…throw the dog a bone here, so to speak.

So if any of you are married I promise you that you know what I mean.  I hear it from my friends too.  If you are not married the grass is not always greener when it comes to sex.  There is a huge upside to marriage, so I complain but a little.  Plus I am a man who knows how to take care of his business.  If sex is the business (and masturbation is sex) then business is good!

Most every man I know thinks like this about sex.

Most every man I know thinks like this about sex.

I know that is a pretty open-ended statement but in broad generalizations there tends to be elements of truth.  If ever a woman wanted to get inside the head of a man then this is the time.  Kick back your heels, have a glass of wine, and I will spill all the man secrets that I know concerning sex.

The first thing you should know is all men masturbate.  Some masturbate like bonobo monkeys and some tend to need it a lot less.  I assume this is a sexual thing or that the men like the feeling they have when they orgasm.  It helps us if we have visuals like porn, but we can also get it done with imagination.  We know that sex is not like a porn movie.  We know you are not looking for a sequoia between our legs and we know that all women do not look like the porn version images of women.  Even with all that being said we like to look at porn and we like to masturbate to it.  This starts at an early age and in my case has not abated since then.  It does not mean that if we are married we do not want or think about our wives, it does not mean that we want to have sex with every girl who walks down the street, it simply means we like to masturbate; most like bonobo monkeys.

When men come up and talk to you in a bar they want to have sex with you.

A bar is a place men and women go to drink and to look for sexual partners.  This means that if you go in a bar and men come up and talk to you they are not simply being friendly, they want to get in your pants.  I know this may be an eye opener to some because you go to a bar and wait for girlfriends or you like to have a drink.  Remember, all men who come up to chat with you want to have sex with you.

When a man sees a beautiful woman on the street or at Target he wonders what she looks like naked, he wonders who the lucky man is that is banging her, he wonders if she likes sex, he assumes she does, and then he wonders how many times a week she has sex.  I think it is in our DNA to think this way.  Something deep inside of us wants to procreate and sometimes it is like we have little control over it.  So if you are a hot looking woman and you notice that men give you the eyes or chat you up it is only because we want to know about your sex life and if we have a chance to be a part of it.

Most men want to sleep with two women at once.  I don’t know why this is a fact either.  Sex with two women is the Mount Everest of our sexual adventures.  We like to think to ourselves that we are so much a man that it takes two women to satisfy the man at once.  The fantasy comes into more focus if it is with two women we know.  If our wives or girlfriends have hot friends we like to imagine that the three of us will get together and created explosions together.  We know deep in our hearts that this may never come true but a man likes to dream, eh?

So if most men think of sex all of the time how does any work get done?

You got me on that one.  I know that men like sex, we think about sex, we dream about sex, we like watching people have sex, it is better if we are involved in the sex, it is better if it is with a hot woman or a woman who is interesting, we just wished women thought about sex or liked sex as much as we do.  Now not all men are romantic and not all men are heathens either.  We mostly fall in between the range of options.  We are intelligent enough to not act on our every impulse, we are suave enough not to stare too much, and we are not such simpletons that we can always be lured by sex.  Not always.  But with most everything in life there are differences and people that do not fall in the statistical realm.

Out in the suburbs we have our fill of soccer moms who are beautiful.  We like to talk about them, rate them, dream about them, and make up stories about them.  I am certain that 90% of married people out there are having an affair.  Most people would not answer that question in a survey with anything near the truth so the official numbers are around 27%.  But if you pay attention and watch body language you can see that men and women in the hood are hooking up on the down low.  There are randy suburbanites everywhere.  We like to pretend it does not exist and we like to wear that facade but people out here are having sex with anything that moves.  It is reality.

What part of a women do men like best?  This is not an easy answer because all men answer different.  I have a friend who is fascinated by breasts.  He talks about them, he stares at them, and I bet at night when he is asleep he is like a puppy dog chasing after women with big boobs.  I myself like legs.  I love long legs that go up to Canada and back down again.  I also like women who are smart.  They are more fun to talk to after you are done having sex.  And as for hair color that too is wide open for debate.  A lot of my friends like blondes but they are plentiful out here in Minneapolis.  If you go out East most every woman is a brunette, so I bet most men there like blondes.  It is the exotic that attracts us.  I love brunettes.  I love them.  Every time I see a brunette my eyes are drawn to her.  It is hard-wired into my DNA.

Finally there is the race question.  Do men like women of other races?  The answer is almost always yes.  In Minnesota the men tend to love Asian women.  I think it is the exotic factor again.  Men like to have sex with beautiful exotic women.  I know that may come as a shock to women, but it is the truth.

The next time you want to know what men think about sex, remember this article.  It all comes down to we like all kinds of sex.

 

Gang Bangs or sex

I have never been invited to have sex at a gang bang.

I don’t know if this is something I should be proud of or something that I should be discouraged about.  I am guessing that most men have to seek these things out and that they do not come to you like apples falling from the tree.  I think gang bang sex is as rare as three-way sex with two females and a male.  I wouldn’t know about that either.  I sometimes think I lead a sheltered life, after all haven’t most men been involved in all kinds of different sex combinations?  That is what one would think listening to guys talk but I assume that most guys are full of shit.

I like Craig’s List and I go on it and scan the Casual Encounters areas and you notice one thing right off the bat.  It is a market that favors women.  For every real womans ad seeking men for sex or groups for sex there are probably 100 ads for men seeking men and men seeking women.  A person could get more pictures of penises there than anywhere else on the net.  All claim they are sex monsters and the best of the best.  I always ask myself how that can be true when I am the best?  I think someone is engaged in false advertising and it aint me babe, to quote Bob Dylan.

Since I have been married for over 20 years it seems the amount of sex I have goes down dramatically.

I know that I am not banging like rabbits like we used to when I was a newlywed.  I think women get bored with the penis while men are never bored with boobs and vaginas.  In fact we like any and all lady parts that can be used for sex.  Women intrigue us.  Most of us have no idea how to get around this intriguing phase into the “I want to get in your pants” phase, but we lumber along and are mostly harmless.  In Jamaica I saw a woman who I would have had sex with in a nano-second but she would have looked at me and spit.  Plus, I do not think English was her first or second language and I would have to have gone in with hand signals which can be a tad embarrassing on a public beach.  Especially when she gives you the international hand signal or slap in the face signal of rejection.  Plus my wife may have been pissed off.

Anyway, I meander a bit, don’t I?  I was cruising the ads and came across and ad by a woman who wants a gang bang.  She wants to have sex with many men on the same night.  She wants to be used.  I was trying to figure out what the guys get out of the deal.  Since there are about 15 or 20 guys (I would assume) then what exactly do they get out of it?  Is it more of a voyeur thing where men like to watch?  Is it exciting to see a woman who wantonly wants as much sex and cock that she can get?  It is a domination thing?  Could I handle being a cocksmith among 20 other men who are cocksmiths?

And most importantly what is the protocol for sex with one women and 20 men?

Who gets to go first?  How often can this woman perform and with how many men at once?  She said her husband would be there but what does he get out of it?  In order to answer all these questions I need to answer the ad and show up but I don’t want to do that because I am chicken.  But I am insanely curious.  I have always wanted to have sex with two women but I have never had the opportunity.  If I was offered I would most likely do it because all men want that.  Most of us are loathe to admit it.  I think I know why, too.  I think deep down it validates us as men and we feel the testosterone when we conquer.  We want to be the top dog, so-to-speak, when we are doing it doggy style.  We love the challenge.  We love the attention.  We love our sexual prowess and our abilities to attract the opposite sex.

So I saw an ad for a gang bang but it will have to remain a sex fantasy that has not been fulfilled.  Alas.  No sex for me with two women either.

Whatever happend to the good old-fashioned bush?

A good bush is hard to find

I was sitting around thinking this morning while my internet was down and I am old enough to remember the good old-fashioned bush.  You kiddies out there might not know what I am talking about because all you see these days are Brazilian waxes, landing strips or worst of all the bare naked lady.  Back in the day, however, women sported these fantastic luxurious bushes.  When you were lucky enough to get a woman down to her panties (and this may be the crux of the problem) you were always able to see a nice thick black patch of hair trying to break free of its constraints.  When she took off the panties there was the dark and moist target of your dreams.  Alas.

Two in the bush is worth ten in the hand

When panties started giving way to thongs I think that is when the bush went the way of the dinosaurs.  Think about it?  If you had a nice little pair of thongs would you want the hairy beast messing with your feng shui?  It would most likely itch like hell besides being an eyesore.  You would scare away the other adults at the Y if your Y was like the amazon forest.  Plus, since grownups act like it is high school everyone has to look like everyone else and no one else is rebellious enough to stick out.  I think the world has the loss on this one.  Since Sandy has the nice Brazilian every other chick in the hood has to have one too.  I hate that in people.

I grew up in the era of the big bush.  I truly do like it.  There is something exciting about seeing someone else’s pubic hair for the first time.  It is intoxicating.  It is a visual that has massive impact.  I think our DNA demands we look and then our DNA demands reaction from our body parts.  There is nothing sexier than a woman standing before you naked with a beautiful snatch of pubic hair.  Plus there is the touch, the tactile feel of it.  The silkiness, the and the luxuriousness adds to the experience.  If you are lucky enough to touch it and play with it the moistness is held within it like a rain forest.  There is nothing like it in the world.

Bring back the bush.

I beg you.  I beg my wife.  I wish she would let it grow out and grown long.  I love watching porn (what man does not) and I love amateur porn and there is nothing more exciting than seeing a woman who is proud of her bush.

Masturbation

Male Masturbation

I want to visit a topic that is near and dear to my heart.  Masturbation.  Now I know that 95% of all men admit they do it, and the rest are lying, but how much is too much and when exactly does age factor in to decrease the amount of pole pulling taken on by a man in any given week?  I hope to explore these questions and many more things in the following post.

How much is too much?  Now I know Bonobo monkeys are playing with themselves, each other, trees, rocks, and any other foreign objects, all day long.  I am not in that category.  I do masturbate almost every day and usually it is only once a day.  Hey, I am getting older.  No one teaches a man how to masturbate, he kind of learns it on his own.  I know that lotion is a good thing to have because it keeps the cock from chaffing and it keeps the skin supple.  If you do not use lotion there is a chance that you could get little irritated spots on your cock mainly caused by the thinness of the skin on the penis.  You then spend the rest of the day walking around as if you have a box of frozen peas shoved down your pants.

I always wonder if women masturbate as much?  My guess is no, but how does one bring this up in polite conversation?  “Excuse me, how often do you pound the pussy?”  Now if men were women we would be playing with our tits and pussy all day long because they intrigue us.  I think women are used to their own equipment and they largely suppress their wild urges.  I think the world is sorrier for this, but what do I know.

Why men love masturbation

Men have no issues with masturbating.  We enjoy it.  A lot.  We prefer this to most any other activity excluding actual sex or blow jobs.  The feeling of an orgasm is the exact same feeling you got climbing the rope in gym class.   That is why all the boys were so damn good at climbing rope.  When you cum your body gets extremely focused and there is this intense pleasure that is built up inside of you.  This feeling is fleeting and only lasts a minute or so before a man cums.  You can feel the cum building up inside of you and you know how wonderful it will feel when you spill your seed.  This motivates you to do this every day because you feel so damn good.

It also explains the big pile of rock-hard Kleenex under your teen age boys bed.  But I digress.

Masturbation Vs. the Suburban Wife

So why don’t we mess around with our significant others this much?  First of all we would if we could but most times we are rebuffed.  I also have a feeling that if we did we would get bored after 40 or 50 years and we would need more.  I heard a story about President Coolidge.  It goes like this:

President Coolidge and his wife were visiting a chicken farm. During the tour, the First Lady asked how often the roosters have sex. “Numerous times a day,” came the reply. “Please tell that to the president,” she said. When the message was relayed to Coolidge, he asked if the rooster had sex numerous times a day with the same hen. “No, Mister President. The roosters have sex with many different hens.” Coolidge shot back, “Tell THAT to the First Lady!”

Doesn’t that in a nutshell explain masturbation?

The Neighbor Came Over to Clean My Tool

My neighbor across the street is an absolute green thumb.  When you look at her yard it looks as if it were professionally designed.  Every bush is trimmed (as far as I know, wink wink) and every blade of grass has its place.  She is a fantastic neighbor, hot as hell, but nuts.  She has had interactions with the other neighbors that I have to tell you more about later in this article.  The opening, though, is when she came over to my house to clean my tool.

Alas, it is not as I wish.

I was out and about and running my errands when I got a call on my cell from my home.  I said hello and my sexy neighbor was on the phone.  She had come over to clean my tool, she told me.  I said I was sorry I missed her.  Well, unfortunately for me she meant a garden tool.  She had borrowed a hedge trimmer from me a couple of weeks ago, returned it, and found out that some of her plants had a fungus from hell.  She went to the local botanists (Wednesday nights free across the street in the county park) and all three professionals, all with graduate degree in horticulture, did not know what was the problem with the plant my neighbor brought in.  She told them she Googled it, gave them a name, they looked it up in their very thick books, and they told her it was a bad fungus that would spread if she did not pull out the plants and throw them in the trash.  She had used my hedge trimmer on the plants and was over with a bottle of bleach to clean my tool.  As I said, I was sad I was not home.

This hot neighbor of mine once had the ultimate sphincter tightening neighbor.  They have since moved.  Well, when the new division went in my hot neighbor remembered where the property line was and she planted a line of trees inside the line on her side of the yard.  The asshat who lived behind her was enraged and came to her house and said she had to tear out all the plants because they were on his property.  Well, this asshole hired a company to come out and mark the property lines.  What he thought was the property line was indeed wrong.  Unfortunately, they went the wrong way for him.  It turns out his builder had moved the stakes and put about a quarter of his driveway in the hot neighbors’ yard.  Within a month this asshole was out tearing out his new driveway (the part that went over the line).  It was sweet justice!

The asshat neighbors loved to play the keep up with the Joneses game and they ended up moving out to a bigger house in a nicer neighborhood to get away from the riff-raff like us.  The last I heard they lost their house because it was mortgaged to the hilt.  See?  There is a God!

So the next time my neighbor wants to come over and clean my tool I hope I am home.  And I hope it is not a garden tool.

Why don't you each whip out your penis and touch each other already?

Men love toys that remind them of their penis

So a few summers ago I was driving through my neighborhood and noticed that the men at the end of the block were all out in their yards cleaning their John Deere riding lawn mowers.  They were all out in their yards with their little hoses and they had the usual accessories that you would find at a car wash.  The day was sunny and bright and I drove on doing my business and thought nothing more of it.

That night I saw all the newly washed John Deere tractors out in front of one of the houses in a semi-circle.  The front of the circle was open to the street so we could see the grills of the machines.  In the background several families were down by a fire pit drinking and laughing and doing things people do when they sit in front of fire pits.

It seems that the men in my neighborhood do this every year.  My wife told me I was invited but I do not own a riding mower and I have a life.  What the hell runs through a man’s mind where he feels compelled to wash and shine a lawn mower and show it off to the rest of the neighborhood?  Why don’t you just get together and whip out our penises and touch each other already?  We all see the latent seething homoeroticism simmering underneath your soul patches.

Why the Deere is the penis

Why would any man own a tractor and then polish it up and park it next to other guy’s mowers and sit and drink beer?  The only explanation I came up with is that it is a direct correlation to the owners penis.  What else can it be?  The guys think it is all hot shit but I am sure the wives roll their eyes and roll their eyes again when they are out banging their lovers.

For the record I was completely for the fire and the beer.  There is nothing more wonderful and primal!  Just keep your penis in the garage.

Sex

Sex and the suburban male

A good post needs a great headline to grab people’s attention.  Now that I have your attention!

It seems everyone in the suburbs that I know are complaining that they are not getting any sex.  At least from their spouses.  The married people all fit into that convenient little role of sexless marriages and the single people can’t find anyone in the area that suits their needs.  So everyone walks around and mopes and complains about the lack of sex in their lives.

On the other side of the coin I never stop hearing of people who are married having these torrid affairs.  I have heard of studies where they say maybe 25% of men cheat and 15% of women or numbers along those lines.  I know for a fact (Ok general observation)that the numbers are more likely 90% of men and 85% if women.  We just don’t admit it to people, that’s all.

Sex and the neighbors

I like looking around at my neighbors too.  The little blond hottie across the street is batshit nuts.  But, she would be great in bed.  The neighbor I know down the street is sexy and stunning and in her 50’s.  Her daughter is in her 20’s and even hotter than mom.  My wife likes the single guy down the road because he has a cute dog.  Everyone around me is banging like rabbits and all I do is sit and watch.

When men get older we feel a window closing.  We feel the opportunity to have sex with new women is fading as quickly as the years.  I think most of this is biological but I know we all feel it.  I sense that women, once they reach a certain age, tend to turn away from sex and to their friends and family.  There are some women that bust this stereotype, but not many.  What you have then is a bunch of horny old men on the make and women our age largely disinterested (unless they are single and looking for a man).  Thus, men look for younger women to bang because they are more open to their sexuality.  It is a shame because the women our age are much more interesting.

Sex or what can you do?

So every day I masturbate like a Bonobo monkey.  I think all men do.  I think a lot of women do.  But what the hell do I know about women?  for that matter what the hell do I know about sex?